Republicans Eat Babies, Fear Cows

Today I wore my "Republicans Eat Babies" T-Shirt my lovely fiance got me for my birthday. The past few times I wore it, I would get a few cheers here and there from the nice, friendly democrats or a dissaproving scowl from the bitter, old republicans. Not until today had I had a real altercation. . .

I was walking down High St, across the street from the Historical Society, and past the gaudy over-decorated house. You know the one. At Christmas time there are 7-10 inflatable snowglobes, 20 light up toy soldiers, 3 manger scenes (one "artsy" set with no faces), and 4-5 Santa and reindeers sets scattered about the lawn and roof. Well, the house is currently done up with assorted patriotic chotchkies such as flags and banners. The left over Christmas decorations on the porch add to the down-home charm. So as I pass this landmark of downtown West Chester, the couple who live in the house are outside "gardening". Mr. Gaudy-Eye-Sore-House is killing weeds in the sidewalk with a fancy spray-bottle backpack filled with weed killer, while Mrs. Gaudy-Eye-Sore-House is walking back and forth the path around to the back of the house. As she walks, she trims the bushes on either side of the walkway, but only the pieces sticking far enough out to touch her arms. Already I am intrigued by these people, and somewhat scared. Who knows what they will do when someone walks past and distracts them from their unique landscaping chores.

Mrs. Gaudy-Eye-Sore-House sees my shirt first and offers the standard disaproving head shake. Of course they are republicans. Who else would need that many flags in their lawn to prove their patriotism? As I pass by Mr. Gaudy-Eye-Sore-House, he slowly reads my shirt. He raises his head and makes eye contact, snarles and points his weed killing death nozzle at my feet and pulls the trigger. I jump to the side, and by jump I mean step quickly, but jumping is more dramatic. So I "jump" to the side, look my enemy straight in the eye and let out the biggest "Moo" I could muster. What a mighty Moo it was! As i continue to walk away, I turn and in my most condescending Daniel Plainview voice I say, "Go eat some babies, Republicans!" I then continue on my way home without incident.

True Story.